At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
