Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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