Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
