Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
