I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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