Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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