I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
