i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
