Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
