god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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