I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
