But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
