My liver just broke up with me...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
