Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
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Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
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So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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