He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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