My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
why do cheetos always look like penises
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i need some magic done to my vagina
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
