I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
