So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize