Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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