I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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