So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
