I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
wakey wakey hands off snakey
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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