I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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