Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
