Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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