don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
