I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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