I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
