I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
