Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I need a beard to bite.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
