I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
