The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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