I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
