I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
