I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
