having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
