Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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