Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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