i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
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all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
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Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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