I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
