Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
even my farts smell like vagina
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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