Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
