Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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