we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
