my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
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He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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