I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
