oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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