my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
