Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
