if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
