Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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