If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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