How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
