well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
