he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i was born a porn star she said
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
