The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
