I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
