Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
