I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
