chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
