I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
