booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
